1. Uh oh, it looks like the pervy football boys are coming back.
2. HOLY SHIT, JUGHEAD HAS FOOD! FINALLY!
3. Wow, looks like Archie has done some serious partying in his day.
4. Why finalize the finality of the final finals?
5. Archie, you have to admit, when your mom takes off on your dad for two years, you might want to let your dad move on.
6. “Dad made his brd, and I’m late for school.” I think you’re mixing your metaphors, Ronnie.
7. Is it just me, or is there going to probably be an incredibly sad reason that Jughead doesn’t like his birthday?
8. It’s Captain McRaperton!
9. Betty, are you off your meds?
10. “It’s gonna be epic.” Oh, I have no doubt of that.
11. Okay, I guess the reason Jughead hates his birthday isn’t that sad. Pretty normal, actually.
12. See, I knew Mr. Blossom was wearing a rug!
13. Soooo, is this dance off between Veronica and Cheryl incorporating the actual cheers? Because if not, I don’t think it matters who’s a better dancer, right?
14. Okay, so it does look like the cheers. Pretty, uh, sexy, girls.
15. Oh man, Cheryl is not going to take this well. I feel kind of bad for her. It’s not her fault that her family is horrifying. But as I’ve said before, I do have a soft spot for hot, crazy red heads.
16. Uh oh, are we about to have a “very special episode” about the danbgers of alcohol?
17. Oh fuck, it’s Chuck.
18. Oh goodie, Veronica’s dad is now blackmailing Ronnie. Classy!
19. Betty should have gone full Marilyn for the birthday song.
20. I guess maybe that’s why we saw Archie in party mode at the start of this episode? So his turn to the bottle would be easier to swallow?
21. And here comes Cheryl! Woo!
22. Oh, and friends.
23. Well, that just got complicated. On the plus side, free beer.
24. Hey Jughead, just get Betty and hang out in the music room. That should be lovely.
25. Jughead’s dad is so getting shitfaced at this party.
26. And what’s up with Juggie’s dad and Juaquin?
27. Oh shit, so much shit is gonna collide at this part.
28. Oh, and Alice is spying on the party too, because of course.
29. Jughead, you’re letting your self pity make some terrible decisions on your behalf.
30. Drunk Archie, this might not be the time to try to patch things up with Valerie.
31. Don’t drink, kids.
32. OH NO, CHERYL TURNED THE DEAD BOLT, HOW WILL THEY EVER GET OUT!?
33. Well, this is an incredibly forced “let’s get everyone up to speed on what’s going on” scene.
34. Come on Chuck, Betty’s black wig wasn’t that bad.
35. Well, Jughead decking Chuck was pretty much a given.
36. “The party’s done.” Awww, come on, it was just getting good.
37. Kudos to Jughead’s dad for that pep talk.
38. Oh man, I see why Juggie keeps the beanie on.
39. The darkness comes from the Black Lodge, Betty.
40. Are Archie and Veronica about to hook up here?
41. It’s true, Archie, we’re all messed up.
42. That’s a make-out!
43. Well, Veronica still has her dress on, so it seems like Archie was likely the perfect gentleman.
44. Better get house-cleaning.
45. Wait, I’m getting the sense that Smithers may not be directly employed by the Lodges, and may just be the the doorman at the building they live in. Which makes a lot more sense.
46. Mmmm, breakfast cake.
47. Sure, Veronica, join the investigation. Everyone else is doing it. In case you missed it, it’s an in depth investigation being done by the school newspaper. Obviously.
48. What the shit, Archie’s mom came home? That I didn’t see coming. On the other hand, I guess I would have if I had been paying attention to who Molly Ringwald was going to be playing.