1. Ah, Archibald Archikins and friends, I have to admit, this has been a weird and wonderful ride through this season of Riverdale. I didn’t know what to make of it at first, and honestly, I’m still not entirely sure I do. But it’s been fun!
2. Nice “pesky kids” reference, Juggie!
3. The mayor wants the corruption squashed? Didn’t she take bribes in something to do with the drive-in? Damn these two-faced politician.
4. “We’re all still in it.” But are we really, Fred?
5. What is Smithers’ job exactly? Can someone explain that?
6. Oh look, Betty’s having a nervous breakdown.
7. I agree with Betty here though – her family went through some shit, they can’t just sweep it under the table.
8. Oh, now Archie and Veronica are semi-dating? I thought she was blowing him off last episode.
9. It seems weird to celebrate these “pesky kids” wh oprobably shouldn’t have been meddling in these criminal affairs in the first place.
10. Betty, why would you write for the register? I thought the school newspaper had replaced that as the primary source of journalism in Riverdale.
11. “We’ve kissed a couple times.” WHAT A CRAZY CONFESSION! MIND IS BLOWN!
12. Well, it’s good to see the Blossom family is still fucked up even after Daddy’s death.
13. Alice Cooper is running this paper with some pretty intense double standards.
14. CHERYL IS NOT FINE.
15. Haha, for a second it looked like Veronica was sewing Betty’s foot back on to her leg.
16. So Betty just published her article on her own? Jesus, welcome to the town where libel was never invented!
17. Oh great, Jughead is getting ousted to the south side, and will have to transfer to a new school. NOOOO! Give the kid a break, goddammit.
18. FP isn’t wrong here. I mean, you can argue for or against snitching, but it’s never okay when the snitchee is innocent.
19. Haha, Cheryl made a joke about Jughead eating burgers even though he’s literally never eaten burgers until just now.
20. This is what happens when you don’t have libel laws.
21. Pig’s blood!? Carrie is calling! It wants its IP back!
22. The fact that Fred and Hiram won’t get along seems like a shitty reason to kick Fred out of the business deal. He actually was the only person who was decent to you, Hermione.
23. SO MANY SECRETS IN THE COOPER FAMILY.
24. But I still think the story Alice doesn’t want getting out is about a maybe abortion.
25. Oh, here comes the truth?
26. So there was no abortion, but Betty has a brother out there somewhere! COULD IT BE JUGHEAD? Haha, probably not.
27. “Hey Betty, I’m at the stabby murder school with the metal detecters, but please don’t worry about me.”
28. Yeah, kidnap him from school, I guess?
29. Uh oh, what’s Cheryl doing? Oh shit, she’s planning a suicide isn’t she. That’s why she was making peace with people.
30. Hahaha, Jughead is already making friends.
31. Well, Betty and Jughead are way more Romeo and Juliet now that Jughead’s on the south side.
32. CALLED IT. CHERYL IS SUICIDING!
33. Well holy shit.
34. It’s nice that now that they’re all panicked that the ice isn’t cracking any more.
35. Holy shit, Archie’s gonna fuck up his guitar hand trying to save Cheryl.
36. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Jason just moved!?
37. Was that for real?
38. Yay! They saved Cheryl!
39. Archie won’t be able to play at the whatever thing he’s supposed to be playing at, but yay!
40. Hey everyone, stop hating on Cheryl, please.
41. Jamboree? Jubilee? They literally just said the word and I’ve already forgotten what it was.
42. Yes, Veronica, Archie was looking at Betty because, as we’ve learned from this season, Archie will never settle down and be satisfied with a single woman. HE’S A PLAYA.
43. Oh, of course they’re going to play Archie’s song.
44. Is this the first time we’ve seen the Josie and the Pussycats logo on the drum? It’s the classic logo! So great!
45. Surprisingly touching scene between Juggie and his dad. I wouldn’t have predicted that ultimately this show would end up being about Jughead, but it definitely has.
46. Uh oh, Betty just went off script.
47. Jughead should have slow-clapped that.
48. AND THEN A SNIPER SHOT!
49. Oh great, now Hermione is going to end up in the middle of a love triangle.
50. When your suicide goes wrong, might as well try burning your whole house down.
51. I’m not sure Cheryl’s plan there is for the two of them to go up in the flames or not.
52. Everyone’s gonna be knockin’ boots!
53. Knock and knock and knock and knock.
54. Coitus interuptus!
55. Ah, the serpents showed up and gave Juggie a biker jacket!
56. And Hot Dog the dog was there!
57. BUT BETTY DOESN’T APPROVE!
58. Come on, Mrs. Blossom, it’s just a house. I’m sure you’ve got some liquid assets somewhere.
59. WHAT THE FUCK!?
60. Fucking cliffhangers, man.
61. Oh, I guess it’s no cliffhanger. Fred got murdered. But maybe he’s not dead! He’s just bleeding out!
62. Well, that was certainly a season of TV. I don’t see Fred dying in Season Two, but what do I know.